


The Angry Lesbian Diaries

by SteveAtwater



Category: Camp Lazlo!
Genre: F/F, Minor Original Character(s), Probably Starts in the 1980s, Rated T for language, Sixteen Year Timespan, Uncertain Time Period, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 06:56:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14255427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteveAtwater/pseuds/SteveAtwater
Summary: Rubella Mucus has loved Jane Doe from the first day they met.





	The Angry Lesbian Diaries

**Author's Note:**

> YOU CAN SKIP THESE NOTES. THEY ARE SUPPLEMENTAL. YOU DON'T NEED TO READ THEM TO UNDERSTAND THE STORY. ALSO I AM SUPER WORDY WHEN I GIVE EXPOSITION OUTSIDE OF A STORY.
> 
> The summary probably isn't the best. I'm not very good at summaries. Sorry for that.
> 
> The title isn't the best either, but it popped into my head, I found it funny, and I decided to just run with it.
> 
> This is my first attempt at a romantic fic. I have never written a relationship before in my life, and I have super never put a relationship at the center of a story. So if you have comments, criticism, "you could have done this better"–tell me. I could really use the feedback. (I love comments.)
> 
> There are a few things I should point out about the timeline. The fic starts in the mid-late 1980s; I'm not sure exactly when, although I suspect that Rubella Mucus got drummed out of the Marines prior to the passage of Don't Ask Don't Tell, even though she probably would've been kicked out even under DADT. So given that she was in the Corps for six years in this story and I'm assuming Jane Doe took over Acorn Flats in April/May, Ms. Mucus likely joined the Marines no later than 1987 (but I'm also assuming no earlier than 1984). Despite this, the story could technically be set basically any time after 1975 (a landmark Supreme Court decision on women in the military and benefits accruing to them occurred in 1972). So basically, the timeline is ambiguous; consequently, in this fic the events of _Camp Lazlo_ could occur in any summer between 1991 and 2003 (although I heavily lean towards the latter).
> 
> The T rating is solely because of language. Rubella curses in her head. Honestly, her inner language is a lot less foul than my normal, out loud language, but she still does it, shoving the rating up. If Rubella used more neutered language, this would probably be a G-rated fic. As it stands, this is a soft T.
> 
> Also, in the course of writing this, I started thinking of Ms. Mucus as Rubella simply because I wrote her first name out so often. This _is_ her canon name; she's given it in "A Hard Day's Samson." It's not used much, but it's there.
> 
> EXPOSITION OVER. STORY BEGINS BELOW.

A flustered, out-of-place teenager.

That's Rubella's first memory of Jane Doe. A teenager a long way from home stumbling around a crowded South Carolina diner and falling into a booth across from her.

Technically the booths were supposed to seat four. But realistically, nobody wants to sit next to a jarhead. Especially when that jarhead has as sour a disposition as Rubella Mucus, fresh out of basic training and ready to take the next step to become a Marine. So when Jane fell into the booth opposite hers, Rubella was naturally a little miffed.

"Oh, sorry!" Jane said in her Minnesota accent. "I'll just get up and–"

"What's your hurry?" Rubella asked. She smirked. Most girls ran away from her when she smirked. Most boys, too, if they were being honest with themselves.

"Huh?" Jane asked. She looked up, and her doe eyes connected with Rubella's. "I can stay?"

Rubella's heart skipped a beat as soon as their gazes connected. She sat frozen for a few seconds before she was able to tear her gaze away, and she nervously mumbled, "Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever."

Rubella stared out the window into the street, heart racing. She gulped and turned back to her new lunch companion.

"So, what's your name?" she asked.

"Oh, I'm Jane Doe!" the deer said.

The warthog and the deer started talking. The warthog probed for information, trying to keep the conversation going even though she wasn't sure why she even wanted to talk to her, and learned that the deer came from Minnesota. She was in South Carolina on a field trip with her boarding school. It was some sort of all-female finishing school that she attends, and while Rubella would normally mock somebody as obviously girlish as Jane, somehow she's entranced by the way the deer talks, the way she giggles slightly when she's not sure of her words, the way that Jane Doe is just so obviously out of place sitting at the table with the newly-minted Marine.

Really, Rubella can't put her finger on it, especially when their food comes. Jane ordered a salad that she picks at piece by piece, while Rubella tears into her double cheeseburger with gusto. The difference in eating habits is a perfect symbol of the difference between them; Jane is pretty and girlish and perfect, while Rubella is rough-and-tumble and unconcerned with being ladylike or feminine. Jane is like the girls Rubella hated in high school: obsessed with makeup, and glamour, and being feminine. And yet, they converse together well enough, and when the deer finishes her salad and walks away it takes every ounce of self-control Rubella has to avoid asking her to stay.

Rubella doesn't ask, though, and just watches the deer leave. Jane's hips sway as she carries her plate to the counter, and Rubella's eyes fixate on them as they move away from the table. It's weird. She went into the military to get away from girly-girls like Jane, and yet the first time she encountered one on leave they started talking. Rubella almost wishes that she could–

Suddenly, the warthog sat bolt upright in her seat. Her eyes widened, and her jaw dropped slightly.

 _Shit_ , she thought.  _I'm in love._

* * *

_Six years in the service and what's it get you?_  Rubella thought. She guided her beater down the narrow highway, only going the speed limit because she couldn't push the vehicle any faster than fifty-five.

She can't say she's surprised. She's known for a while she was a lesbian, and she knows what the army does if they find out you're gay. The instant she came out to a fellow soldier while they were drinking she knew the writing was on the wall. Still, a general discharge does nothing to dull the pain of being jobless and connectionless. Not to mention the fact that she was on a base on the other side of the country when she got discharged.

And Christ, she's never been a huge fan of driving. She couldn't wait to get her license only because it meant she could drive to school instead of riding the bus with all the other pukes. She never used the car to go on a day trip or anything. And yet here she is, having to go cross-country if she wants to plot her next move from home.

Rubella has run over in her head what she's going to tell her parents. No matter how much she thinks about it, though, she still hasn't come up with a real answer. Sure, she could tell them the truth. But that wouldn't help anything.

The engine began to sputter. Rubella eyed the dashboard and frowned. The tank was just about empty. The good news is that there's a town coming up, and she pulled off the highway into some one-horse town that called itself Prickly Pines. She puttered down the main street, looking for a gas station, and managed to spot a Shell off to the right. Rubella pulled up to a pump and hopped out, slamming the door behind her.

Her stomach rumbled as she approached the attached building. It's one of those combination convenience store gas stations, and they'll probably have something to eat inside. It'll be overpriced and overcooked, or overpriced and stale, or overpriced and lousy, but it'll keep her fed.

Rubella ambled up to the counter. "Twenty dollars of gas on pump 3," she told the attendant.

"Of course, miss," the cashier said.

"Thanks," Rubella told him. She had nowhere to be, so she glanced around the store. They didn't have much in the way of food.

"How much for a cup of coffee and a jelly doughnut?" she asked.

The cashier punched her order into a nearby calculator. "That'll be $2.24, miss."

Rubella handed over a couple of dollars and a quarter. The cashier gave her the coffee and doughnut, and Rubella turned to walk out the door. As she left, she noticed a help wanted sign on the back of the door for a camp called Acorn Flats.

 _Hell with it_ , she thought.  _It's just up the road, and I've got nothing better to do._

* * *

That's why, fifteen minutes later, she's sitting across from Jane Doe, fresh out of college, new scoutmistress for the Squirrel Scouts, and without any inkling of who this Ms. Rubella Mucus is.

Rubella remembers Jane. She remembers Jane sitting down across from her for fifteen minutes in a diner in Beaufort and eating a salad and talking about boarding school and the other girls in her class and their field trip. She remembers being totally mesmerized by the sound of Jane's voice and how she thought about Jane Doe on and off for the next two years until Jane eventually faded from her memory completely. All of this came rushing back as Jane Doe conducted Rubella's job interview.

"So, I understand you've never been a Squirrel Scout?" Jane asked.

"Um, yes, that's right ma'am," Rubella muttered.

"I see. Do you have any scouting experience?" she asked.

"Six years in the United States Marine Corps, ma'am," Rubella replied.

"Um, the Marines?" Jane asked. "That's not very, um, ladylike."

Rubella thinks that she should have seen this coming. After all, Jane was obsessed with femininity six years ago. Why would she have changed?

"Um, yes, ma'am," Rubella said.

 _Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!_  she thought.  _Now Jane will want to know why I left._

"Are there any life skills you believe the Marines gave you that would be helpful for educating our young Squirrel Scouts?" Jane asked.

Rubella's eyes widened. This was a question she could answer honestly.

"Yes, ma'am," Rubella began. "My experience in the Marines taught me the value of teamwork and leadership, and I believe that both of these would be good attributes to pass on to the young ladies that comprise the Squirrel Scouts."

"Splendid!" Jane Doe said. "Just one question. Are you sure that the Marines aren't too–ahem– _masculine_ , for our scouts?"

"Oh no," Rubella said. "I hate men."

It's true. She does hate men.

"Well, hate is quite a strong word..." Jane pondered. "But, since you were the only one to show up to an interview, congratulations, Ms. Mucus! I am now officially hiring you as my scoutmaster's assistant!"

"Thank you, ma'am," Rubella said gratefully. Her heart soared.

* * *

Over the next few years, Rubella settled in to her role as Jane's assistant. As time went by, she grew more and more accustomed to her job, which mostly consisted of taking care of the campers. As much as she loves Jane, she has to admit that Jane is flighty and obsessed with girlishness; the Squirrel Scouts they get aren't so obsessed with being clean and pretty. They're fixated on having fun. Consequently, Rubella takes over when it comes to dealing with campers. A firm hand is easier to respect than Jane's giving nature. Rubella has an ulterior motive, too. Her first year, she saw Jane get pushed to the breaking point. It wasn't pretty. It was even uglier when she snapped.

Jane going nuts after the Squirrels took advantage of her giving nature only made Rubella fall deeper in love with her. It's one thing for Jane to be enchanting, but Jane showing a bit of steel beneath her velvet surface was an eye-opener. Rubella felt fear she hadn't felt since the first day of basic training, when the D.I. lined them all up and shouted them down in a manner simultaneously hilarious and life-threatening. Jane doing approximately the same thing to ten-year-olds was both horrifying and intensely wonderful.

Still, as soon as she had finished chewing out the scouts, Jane had run off to her cabin in tears and stayed there for a couple of days. Rubella never wanted to see Jane so upset ever again, so she began to take over the role as the main adult figure instead of Jane; a sergeant to her captain, as it were. Over the next few summers, she and Jane settled into a rut, where Jane would think of ways to "improve" the camp, usually by making it girlier, and Rubella would take care of the front-line work with keeping the Squirrels in line, getting them to go along with Jane's plans when necessary, and working Jane's girly purchases into the outdoorsy scout camp–even if this meant using riding horses to play polo.

Rubella stayed at Acorn Flats for five years. Over this time period, she became accustomed to her work. And even as she fell in love with Jane, she never could find a way to spit it out. She knew what she wanted to say, but she was afraid that Jane would reject her. Would think she was sick. Wouldn't return her feelings. After all, how do you tell your boss that you love her?

So slowly but surely, Rubella settled into a rut where she worked with her boss but never told her how she really felt. She kept the Bean Scouts at bay until the camp ended up destroyed by a freak windstorm that left Acorn Flats untouched, at which point she felt victorious in protecting her girls from the insidious treachery of boys. Of course, the next year the Bean Scout Organization rebuilt Camp Kidney. And that was when her trouble began.

* * *

The silhouette of a bull moose darkened the door of Acorn Flats on a Sunday in May. When the moose walked up to the guard outpost, Ms. Mucus looked up from her magazine and greeted the moose with a glare.

"Um, hello, I am–" the moose started to say.

"Wearing a bad toupee?" Rubella suggested. She was right. The moose was dressed in the uniform of a Bean Scout Scoutmaster, complete with hat, but his most notable features were the obviously fake toupee and the thick forest of nose hair peeking out from his nostrils.

"Um, ahem, no," the moose said, adjusting his glasses. "I'm Scoutmaster Lumpus, the new scoutmaster for the Bean Scouts across the lake, and I thought I'd come over and introduce myself."

"Oh you did, did you?" Rubella asked.

The moose shut his eyes and spoke with confidence. "Why yes, I thought it would be nice if–"

That's as far as he got before Rubella shoved a watermelon down his throat. Lumpus gulped, gagged, and finally swallowed the immense fruit.

"What was that for?" he whined.

"Listen, little man!" Rubella said commandingly. Lumpus snapped to attention. "I don't care if you're the Big Bean himself, this is Acorn Flats, home of the Squirrel Scouts! And we don't take kindly to any of you lamebrained Beans coming over here! Now you're going to turn yourself around and march right back to your dinkey little camp! And you're never, I repeat never, going to bother any of us over here at Acorn Flats  _ever_  again! Do you understand me?"

"Yes ma'am," Lumpus said, cowed. He turned to go.

"Say, wait a minute," Rubella said. "I thought that Heffer fellow was the scoutmaster of Camp Kidney."

"Oh!" Lumpus said, startled. "He, uh, he retired. Yeah, that's it. He retired."

"Right," Rubella replied. She rolled her eyes. After all, it's not like she really cared.

"Ms. Mucus!" she heard a familiar light tone call. She tensed up.  _Not now, not now, not now_... she thought.

"Oh, Ms. Mucus!" Jane said. She was standing right next to the guard post. To make matters worse, Lumpus had halted in his tracks and was looking over his shoulder. His mouth was wide open.

"Yes, Scoutmistress Doe?" Rubella said. She usually didn't use Jane's formal title, but it seemed appropriate in this instance.

"Who's this at the front gate?" Jane asked.

"Why, I'm–" Lumpus started to speak.

"He's Scoutmaster Lump-us. He's taking over the Bean Scout camp," Rubella interrupted.

"Actually, it's–" Lumpus started to say.

"Oh, hello, Scoutmaster Lump-us!" Jane said. "It's so wonderful to meet you! I'm sure you'll do a great job with your scouts!"

"Why thank you, miss..." Lumpus said.

"Jane Doe," she told him. "I'm afraid I have some work to do, but it was very nice to meet you!"

"Jane..." Lumpus said. He breathed out the name as though he hoped by making it last longer he could make her stay. By the time he finished, she had turned around and headed back into camp.

Rubella eyed him up with a sour look on his face. The glazed eyes, dropped jaw, dopey smile, relaxed posture–all of this spelled out one thing. Lumpus has a thing for Jane.

"Get outta here! Scat!" Rubella told him. And Lumpus headed off up the road.

Still, Rubella can't help but feel like Lumpus is going to be a problem from now on.

* * *

The next few years proved her right. Lumpus spent them pining after Jane Doe and trying to get close to her. Fortunately for Rubella, watermelon catapults and Jane's naïveté when it comes to the affections of other people left Lumpus completely unsuccessful.

Still, Lumpus and Rubella become entrenched in a deep and better rivalry. The rivalry is made worse by Rubella's generalized hatred of men and specific dislike of Bean Scouts. Consequently, Lumpus learns to avoid Rubella's wrath and to stay away from Acorn Flats for the most part. Although Lumpus occasionally comes over to see Jane, he more frequently comes with some sort of official excuse, a reason why the Squirrel Scouts and the Bean Scouts should gather together. If it were up to Rubella, she would reject these invitations out of hand. After all, there's nothing that the refined and intelligent female Squirrel Scouts could learn from the dirty and stupid male Bean Scouts. But Jane doesn't share Rubella's opinion, and Rubella finds herself seated across from watermelon-spattered Bean Scouts more often than she would like.

Of course, five years is a long time, and when Lumpus mentioned to Jane at one of the joint camp picnic lunches that his assistant took a vacation to Wakiki earlier that summer, Jane thinks it's a fine idea. Since the deer likes to think of herself as egalitarian, she decided to invite Rubella along. While Rubella was reluctant to leave the Squirrel Scout camp in the hands of a mere Bean Scout, she couldn't pass up an opportunity for a two-night vacation that promises to be just the two of them.

Rubella did the only thing she could: she informed the Squirrel Scouts that they were to make Slinkman's life a living hell, and got ready to vacation with her boss. She even volunteered as taxi service so that she wouldn't have to be separated from Jane.

* * *

The vacation they took was wonderful. The hotel had soft beds, the room they shared was nowhere near the ice machine, and there was even a swimming pool downstairs that wasn't very crowded. The next day they split time between activities, going waterskiing and getting massages and tanning and swimming and hitting the gym to work out against punching bags–that last one a surprising suggestion from Jane. By the time they headed to bed and hit the hay, Rubella has concluded that this has been the best day of her life.

Rubella sank into the soft mattress and started to drift off to sleep, but something kept her from completely falling into dreamland.

Jane. She's still awake.

Rubella focused on her and realized that Jane couldn't get to sleep.

"Something wrong?" she asked.

"Oh, it's nothing," Jane said. "Go ahead and get some sleep."

Rubella propped herself up on her elbow. "No, seriously, what is it?"

Jane sighed. She said "Today was a mistake."

Rubella was now wide awake. "No, really?" she asked. "I had a good time, and I thought you did too."

"Oh I did, I did!" Jane said. "But, I just don't feel..."

"Don't feel what?" Rubella asked. Internally, she cursed herself for being so bad at reading the feelings of others.

"I don't feel fulfilled, okay?" Jane said quickly.

Rubella sat up. "Why not?" she asked, hoping the question came out right.

Jane laid in bed for a few minutes, completely silent. Then, just as Rubella had pretty much given up, she said "I thought this vacation was all that I needed."

"What do you mean?" Rubella asked.

"There's something I need to get off my chest," Jane said.

Rubella's heart soared.  _Could it be she feels the same?_  she thought.

"This isn't easy to say," Jane said.

"Don't worry," Rubella replied, trying to keep her voice from shaking. "Whatever it is, I can accept it."

 _Please let it be that you like me like that_ , she thought.

"Okay, well..." Jane started. "You know I love the Squirrel Scouts, right?"

Internally, Rubella rolled her eyes. It was rhetoric like this that got her drummed out of the Marines. Not to mention the fact that Jane does a lot less than she does with the little brats.

"Of course," Rubella said. "You're the best scoutmistress they could hope for."

"I know, but lately, I've been feeling...how do I put this..." Jane pondered.

"Just spit it out," Rubella urged.

"Unfulfilled," Jane said. "I don't know what it is, but–I thought maybe it was fatigue. I thought maybe I needed a day off from the Squirrel Scouts. But now..." She begins crying. "I don't know what I want. If I just knew! That would make things easier. But I don't know what I'm looking for."

"Maybe...maybe it's not your job that's bothering you," Rubella suggested.

Jane stopped crying. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, maybe you need something outside of your job," Rubella said. "You've been in Prickly Pines for years. Maybe you need something besides Acorn Flats to keep you happy."

"Maybe you're right," Jane said thoughtfully. "Maybe I need...a relationship."

Rubella's heart skipped a beat.

"I think so," she said eagerly.  _Please pick me, please pick me_ , she thought.

"You're right!" Jane said cheerfully. "Thank you so much, Rubella! I know what I have to do! Ms. Mucus..."

"Yes?" Rubella asked.

"You know Prickly Pines better than me. Could you introduce me to some eligible bachelors?"

Rubella's heart sank.

"Of course, Jane," she muttered.

"Thank you so much!" Jane said. "Goodnight!"

Jane sank into her bed and fell asleep with a smile on her face. Next to her, Ms. Mucus stared at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep.

She thought,  _This is the worst night of my life_.

* * *

Over the next week, Rubella planned her attack strategy. On the day it was finally ready to be unleashed, she left her trailer with a self-assured smile on her face.

After setting up some activities for the Squirrel Scouts, she headed in to Jane's cabin.

"Are you ready?" she asked.

Jane turned around. She was wearing more makeup on her face than most drag queens put on in their lifetimes.

"How do I look?" she asked.

Rubella's face blanched, but she did her best to resume a poker face. "Fine," she choked out. This was going to be easier than she had thought.

"Good!" Jane said. A frown appeared on her lips. "They'll like me, right?

For a brief moment, Rubella felt guilty, but she pushed that feeling deep inside. "Sure," she said. "Who couldn't love you?"

 _I definitely do_ , she added in the private sanctity of her head.

"Okay," Jane said. "I'm ready. I think. Is there anyone you think I should meet?"

Rubella shrugged. "There aren't many bachelors in town, but I found a pair of single fathers we could start with."

"What happened to their wives?" Jane asked.

Rubella frowned. "I think Beaufort mentioned something about a convenience store robbery and a car crash."

"Beaufort?" Jane asked.

"One of the men," Rubella said. She forced a grin. "It's not important. Let's find you your soulmate!"

 _It's me_ , she added in her head.

* * *

Just like Rubella had planned, Jane didn't hit it off with either Beaufort or Darryl. Jane did begin hunting around, and went out with a few more suitors, but nothing ever seemed to come of them. So when she walked out of the kitchen one day, proclaiming it was time to get married, Rubella didn't pay any particular attention to the statement. She didn't even notice when Jane came back with a huge engagement ring. Rubella was unaware that anything had changed until later that day when she found herself cleaning Jane's toilet.

"Geez, Jane, what'd you eat?" Rubella asked.

"Oh, it must have been my fiancée," Jane said. "He did have to use the bathroom."

In the bathroom, Rubella's jaw nearly dropped into the toilet. Thankfully for her health insurance premiums, it didn't.

"Your...fiancée?" she asked worriedly.

"Yes, I got engaged!" Jane said happily. "Do you want to see my ring?"

Rubella came out and took a gander at it. It was large, sparkled brightly, and clearly had the mark of quality. She gulped.

 _Well, at least he'll make her happy_ , she thought.  _If you define happy as being able to buy anything_.

"It's fine," she said gruffly, trying to hide her heartbreak.

"Lumpus thought so too!" Jane said happily. "At least, I think he did. He was speechless. That's good, right?"

"Sure," Rubella said through the lump in her throat. "That's–that's wonderful. I'm happy for you, Jane."

"Oh, goodie!" Jane said. "Because tonight, I'm hosting an engagement party here! You'll come, won't you?"

"Of course," Rubella said.

"Good! And we can invite the Squirrel Scouts, and the Bean Scouts, and..."

Rubella tuned Jane out as she prattled on. This was shaping up to be the worst night of her life.

* * *

A few hours later, Jane stomped through the front door and slammed it. Rubella looked up from her magazine.

"Trouble in paradise?" she asked hopefully.

Jane growled. "That–that Lumpus! I can't believe him!"

"What happened?" Rubella asked, genuinely curious.

"What happened? What happened?" Jane said, irate. "I'll tell you what happened! He tried to ruin our engagement!"

"Lumpus?" Rubella asked. Inside, she was impressed. She didn't think he'd have the guts to confess his feelings.

"Yes! He sabotaged our date! And he made his innocent Bean Scouts help him! He is disinvited from tonight's party! Do you hear me? Disinvited!" she ranted. "Of all the nerve, for him to..."

Rubella tuned Jane out. Apparently the engagement was still on.

* * *

Rubella had to admit that the engagement party was surprisingly good. At least, as good as anything in Prickly Pines ever got. And that was saying something given that Jane made sure the Bean Scouts were allowed in, although true to her word she made sure to inform everyone that Lumpus was not allowed in.

"So, when's your fiancée getting here anyway?" Rubella asked Jane when they ended up in close proximity.

"Oh, the mayor just had some business at the office to take care of," Jane said. "He'll be here shortly. I hope."

Rubella nodded. Suddenly, Jane's words hit her ears.

"WHO?" she asked.

Everybody at the party turned to stare at them. Rubella clapped her hands over her mouth. For five seconds that seemed like an eternity, everyone continued to stare at her, but they soon turned back to their conversations. The volume level in the room was lower, though, as everyone seemed to want to listen in on their conversation without appearing like they were listening in.

"I'm sorry, did you say you were marrying the mayor?" Rubella whispered.

"Yes, that's right," Jane said. "Mayor Pothole McPucker is my fiancée."

Rubella looked around nervously. "Are you sure that's such a good idea?"

"Well what's wrong with him?" Jane asked.

"For starters, did you see what he did to your bathroom?" Rubella asked.

Jane brushed her off. "That's normal. I think."

"And the only reason he's our mayor is because he ran unopposed!" Rubella continued.

"That's not true!" Jane said. "He won against a very strong opponent."

"A ham sandwich?" Rubella asked, unconvinced.

"Well...it did make some very cogent points..." Jane said.

"Okay, okay, but, seriously, Jane," Rubella said. She dropped her voice to a whisper. "Have you looked at him?"

Jane frowned and pulled Rubella closer. "Yes," she whispered. "But I've dated every eligible bachelor in all of Prickly Pines. This might be my last hope of finding a suitor I can settle down with. Can't you just be happy for me?"

Rubella nodded reluctantly.

"Good!" Jane said, chipper again. "I'm going to go check up on the Squirrel Scouts and make sure that infernal Lumpus didn't get in."

Rubella sighed and parked herself in a corner next to the chips and dip.

* * *

After a couple of hours, Pothole McPucker had shown up, Rubella had eaten well over a pound of chips and dip, and the party was going strong.

As Rubella drowned her sorrows in onion dip, she looked around the room at the partygoers. The Bean Scouts were here, against her wishes, as were the Squirrel Scouts, various luminaries from around town, and a woman she's never seen before.

Or was it a woman? As Rubella looked closer, she got the sense that despite the pink skirt, the carefully applied makeup, and the high heels, the woman was actually a man. As she watched, she realized who it was: Lumpus.

Rubella smirked. At least they're in the same boat now that Jane's getting married. Although she's gained a strange sort of respect for Lumpus since this afternoon. If Jane is to be believed, Lumpus actually tried to do something to destroy this repulsive engagement.

Though there is the question of why he snuck in. Jane would've tried to keep him out, sure, but she's a soft touch. One apology and she'd probably let him in to her party. And there's no reason for him to be here anyway. He'll just watch the happy couple and not be able to do anything. Although he's dumb enough to try.

 _Holy crap_ , she thought.  _Lumpus is actually going to do something, and it's going to be_ incredibly _stupid_.

Rubella pretended not to be watching Lumpus, but she always had an eye on him, and when a fat guinea pig Bean Scout walked over to Lumpus and engaged him in conversation, Rubella listened in. Although she only caught snatches of the conversation, she did hear the end, where Lumpus declared that he was going to do something.

When Lumpus got up, Rubella's eyes were on him as he walked over to the engaged couple.

"Ahem!" Lumpus barked.

Jane turned around. She didn't recognize him.

"Uh, yes?" Jane asked confusedly.

"I have something that I want to say to you," Lumpus said confidently.

"I'm sor–" Jane started to say.

"Excuse me but I'm talking!" Lumpus proclaimed. Everyone looked at him and the music stopped. "I have been watching you nay, admiring you from afar!" The party gasped. "I have been trying to tell you how I feel about you, and now, here I stand. In front of everyone! Exposed. Revealed! Vulnerable." Pothole farted. "To finally say, I! Love you!"

A woman gasped. The party was mostly silent except for one of the Bean Scouts, who noted that the moose looked vaguely familiar.

"Well so what do you have to say to that?" Lumpus yelled angrily.

"I love you too!" Pothole proclaimed.

Jane's jaw dropped. "Huh?" she asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry Jane, she's hot," Pothole said by way of explanation.

"What? No!" Lumpus tried to say.

"Come to daddy you beautiful thing!" Pothole said, and dashed towards his latest flame. Lumpus cowered in front of the fireplace, screaming, as Pothole barreled towards him. Rubella was the only one laughing as Pothole knocked Lumpus clear through the fireplace and ended up wedged in the wall. As she laughed, she took her attention off of her upset boss.

"Well this is inconvenient!" Jane said, annoyed. "Who am I supposed to get engaged to now?"

An elderly turtle walked up. He said, "I own my own submarine."

"Well how nice for you!" Jane said, annoyed. Suddenly, she got an idea. "I mean, how nice for you." She took him by the hand and they walked off. "So tell me cutie, does it have room for two?"

* * *

Rubella found out about Jane's new beau the next day.

"You're engaged again? Already?" she asked incredulously.

"Well I already had the ring," Jane explained. "It seemed a shame to waste it. And he has a submarine!"

"Okay, okay, but–" Rubella struggled to find a way to get through to her. "You just got out of a relationship. Are you sure this is the right thing to do?"

"Well it's like they say," Jane said. "If you fall off a horse, you just have to spend weeks recuperating in a hospital."

Rubella stared at her blankly. "That's not at all how that expression goes."

"Oh, well WHO CARES!" Jane suddenly screamed. "I HAVE to get married! If I don't, who am I?  _What_  am I?"

"You're Jane Doe," Rubella said comfortingly.

"Well I need a new last name!" Jane said. "And it's going to be–uh–"

"Do you even know his name?" Rubella asked.

"Not the point!" Jane said. "The point is, we're getting married! Saturday, next week!"

Jane flounced out of the room angrily. Rubella shook her head.

"What do I see in that woman?" she muttered to herself.

* * *

At the wedding, everyone was waiting for the groom. By the time he showed up, Rubella was definitely fed up–not just because he was wasting her time, but also because she knew that Jane deserved better. Even if better didn't mean her, the fact is that Jane didn't deserve some turtle who couldn't be bothered to show up on time. So when three women in the audience stood up and declared they were already married to the turtle–whom Rubella had recently learned was named Manfred–Rubella didn't particularly care that they were lying, or that it was one of Lumpus's tricks, or that Jane was heartbroken. Anything was better than having Jane make a big mistake. Which is why when Lumpus asked her before the wedding to help by providing musical backing for a song he wrote, she accepted. She'd been facing off against Lumpus for a while now and knew that somehow he'd manage to blow it, even if Jane said yes.

She did say yes, of course, and the wedding was postponed for a week. Preparations went on, and Rubella stayed out of the way. She knew that she could do something to try and wreck the engagement, but it would probably backfire on her, and besides, Lumpus was bound to mess up with Jane in such a way that she'd refuse to marry him. But when the wedding day came without the engagement being called off, Rubella began to worry. She wasn't sure if she'd made the right choice by keeping herself from interfering. It might be that Lumpus's renewed self-confidence and willingness to declare his love for Jane had changed him, and if that was the case, she'd definitely need to give him a push.

But even if she needed to, it was too late now. Just a few minutes before the wedding, with the moose and the deer happily engaged, Ms. Mucus was out of options. And while Rubella hated to admit defeat, she felt that it was just about time to run up the white flag. Somehow, someway, Lumpus had managed to beat her to Jane's heart. And now he was going to claim it forever. Rubella ground her teeth. She wished she was in a situation where she could rip someone's throat out instead of attending the wedding between her true love and her worst enemy.

She placed her fingers on the organ and began playing. Lumpus walked in looking grumpy, and her spirits soared for a brief moment. Maybe the wedding was off? But no, he took his place to the left of the officiant–that Slinkman guy who had taken over Acorn Flats during the failed vacation day–and the spotlights focused on the entry. Ms. Mucus willed herself not to cry, and the little elephant boy from Camp Kidney walked in.

Wait.

THE LITTLE ELEPHANT BOY FROM CAMP KIDNEY?

Raj made his way down the row. He was wearing a wedding dress and lipstick. He walked up to Lumpus, and the trio converged. Ms. Mucus was unable to hear what was going on until Lumpus yelled "MY BRIDE IS STUCK UP THE ELEPHANT'S NOSE, OKAY?"

The slug struggled to hold back his laughter but soon couldn't take it and burst out laughing. The rest of the audience and Ms. Mucus followed suit. The idea was so hilarious to Rubella that she didn't even notice when Lumpus muttered, "Oh, just forget the whole thing," and stormed out of the room.

"Oh, not again," Jane said from the recesses of Raj's trunk.

* * *

The crowd had settled down by the time the elephant walked back in and declared that the wedding was back on. But by this time, Rubella was fed up.

"Are you kidding me?" she asked loudly. "No. No. Not this time."

Rubella walked across the room and yanked Jane out of the elephant's trunk, ring and all.

"Rubella!" Jane said, shocked. "What is the meaning of this?"

"The meaning of this?" Rubella said. "You want to know the meaning of this? Okay. Here goes. I have been living near you for years. I have been admiring you for years. I have been in  _love_  with you for years! Since before I became your assistant! And watching you try and find the perfect man, it's killing me! I don't care if you're engaged or not, I'm putting my heart on the line because dammit Jane, I love  _you_! I want to marry you! I want to be with you for the rest of my life, Jane! You're the one I care for, the one I love! I've been near you for  _ten years_ , swallowing my feelings and going along with you–I've stuck with this job because Jane! I want you! I need you! I love you! Please! Just listen to me! I love you!"

Rubella stood in front of Jane, shaking with emotion. A grin appeared on Jane Doe's face.

"Do you really mean that?" she asked.

Rubella panted from nervousness. "I do," she said. "I love you, Jane."

"Oh, Rubella," Jane said softly. Tears of joy appeared in her eyes. "I've been in love with you for just as long. Ever since I fell into a booth across from you when I was just a teenager I was never able to forget you. I knew you were my soulmate."

Rubella's breath caught in her throat. "Then why–why didn't you ever tell me?" she asked.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jane asked. She exhaled heavily. "I was afraid. I thought that you felt the same but I couldn't tell and you never said anything. So–I'm sorry, Rubella, but I had to test you."

"What do you mean, test me?" Rubella asked.

"I mean, all of this, the wedding arrangements, the bad dates, all of this was because I wanted to see if you really loved me. I knew if you did, you'd say something, eventually. Hopefully before it was too late. And if you weren't interested, well...my mother has been asking me about grandchildren." Jane let out a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Rubella, but I had to."

"I forgive you," Rubella said. "Because you were right! You needed to do something! I never would have said anything if you hadn't been about to marry Lumpus!"

"I know, right?" Jane said. "What a disaster that would've been."

Slinkman cleared his throat. "So is anybody getting married today?" he asked.

"We are," Jane said confidently.

"I-I don't think that's legal!" Rubella stammered. "Women don't marry women."

Jane shrugged happily. "Deer don't marry moose, either."

Abraham Lincoln stood up from his seat in the third row of chairs.

"I'm the president, and this display of love has convinced me," he declared. "Lesbian marriage is now legal!"

Everyone cheered.

"Oh, Jane, I'm so happy!" Rubella said, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Nothing could make this moment better!"

Patsy rushed in, dressed like a Marine and carrying an assault rifle with a bayonet on the end. "Ms. Mucus, Ms. Mucus!" she said excitedly.

"Yes, Patsy?" Rubella asked.

"The Canadians are attacking!" Patsy declared.

"Well what are we waiting for?" Jane asked. "Let's send those cheese-eaters back to the Yukon!"

Everybody cheered. Lumpus stuck his head out of Raj's trunk.

"Wait!" he said. "I'm a fool and an idiot! I'm shutting Camp Kidney down for good and forever!"

Once again, everybody cheered. A large automobile pulled to a stop outside and a man walked in.

"I'm a random rich guy who just dropped in to give this five million dollar check to Ms. Mucus," he said, pressing a check into Rubella's hand.

Rubella's former drill instructor leapt through the roof and landed behind Rubella. She turned around and was shocked when she saw tears running down his cheeks.

"I'm so proud of you, ma'am," he said.

Her drill instructor offered her a handshake. Ms. Mucus gratefully took his hand and shook it forcefully.

He spit in her face.

* * *

Rubella's eyes popped open and she looked up into the inquiring eyes of one of her Squirrel Scouts–the owl, Almondine. Almondine was holding an empty bucket and looking at her with worry in her eyes.

"What's going on?" Rubella asked. She looked around. "Where's Jane?"

"On her honeymoon," Almondine said. After a second, she added "In Raj's trunk."

"Raj's trunk?" Rubella asked. "But what about–what about Abraham Lincoln?"

"Abraham Lincoln?" Almondine asked. "Our 16th president? What does he have to do with anything?"

"He was here!" Rubella said. "Wasn't he?"

Almondine didn't say anything.

"So there was no rich man in a large automobile with a five million dollar check?" Rubella asked. Almondine looked uncomfortable. "My D.I. didn't show up?" Almondine didn't answer. "The Canadians didn't attack us?" Almondine backed up a couple of steps. "Jane married Lumpus?"

"Um, yes?" Almondine answered to the only question she had context for.

Rubella squeezed her eyes tightly shut.

"You fainted when they both got stuck in Raj's trunk," Almondine told her. "And I think you hit your head or something."

Almondine and Gretchen helped Ms. Mucus leave. They were followed by a group of Bean Scouts, of which Samson brought up the rear. As the Beans left, Samson shook his head and said something to Edward.

"Sorry, what was that?" Edward asked. "You gotta speak up, I got schmaltz in my ear from that ceremony."

"I said, it just keeps getting weirder."

* * *

About a week later, Lumpus and Jane returned from their honeymoon. At this point, Rubella was contemplating tendering her resignation. When Lumpus got hauled off for being an insane maniac, Rubella stopped thinking about doing so until she walked in on Jane Doe wearing a ski mask and packing a duffle bag.

"What are you doing?" she asked her secret love.

"I'm busting Lumpus out," Jane said.

Rubella's jaw dropped. "Are you  _nuts_?" she asked when she was finally able to speak.

"It's something I have to do," Jane said. "I–I think I love that crazy moose. And if that means I have to be crazy to rescue him, well, just call me Insane Jane!"

Rubella's mind went blank with rage. She wanted to throttle Jane. To make Jane see that the moose was a complete idiot and nuts to boot and that the warthog in front of her was the only one for her. That Rubella was Jane's true love. That Jane was just making another horrible mistake in a series of horrible mistakes she'd made.

"Well, wish me luck," Jane said. She headed for the door.

"Wait," Rubella said. Jane stopped.

Rubella thought about it.  _I could tell her. I could spit it out. Maybe I could change something. Maybe she likes me in that way. Maybe that dream was actually trying to tell me something._

"Yes?" Jane asked.

"I–" Rubella started to say. Her mouth clamped shut. Jane turned back to the door and pulled it open.

"I'm tendering my resignation," Rubella said.

Jane stopped. "But why, Ms. Mucus?" she asked, turning back to Rubella.

The warthog shrugged. "I just–"

 _I can't do this anymore. I can't stand being so close and yet so far. I can't stand being in love with you and not being able to tell you. I can't stand being chickenshit. I can't stand being thirty-four years old, running up on thirty-five, and still without ever having had a goddamn girlfriend. I can't stand chasing you around for God, how long has it been, sixteen years or ten, I can't tell but you've been driving me nuts for far too long. I can't stand you fucking that moose instead of me. I can't stand how you care about him enough to break him out of an insane asylum but don't care about me enough to notice that I fucking love you. I'm done. I can't chase this anymore. I can't chase_ you _anymore._

The door slammed shut, jolting Rubella out of her reverie. Rubella was left staring at an empty room.

"It's time to move on," she said to nobody at all.


End file.
